I just keep thinking back and I don't know why I put up with so much crap from people. I don't.
It's like I'm conditioned to care about people around me no matter what. You show a glimmer of caring towards me? You're in. And I'll just take whatever comes at me.
Most of the time, I like that I care so much about people, you know? Because that should be a desirable quality in a person. But it just sucks so bad, when you realize that other people just don't care as much as you do. At least not about you.
Sometimes I just feel like people use me. Not even like for material things, but just because they know that at the end of it all, I'll be there.
I'm not really sure there was even a point to this, because I know I won't change. I don't even know if I could.
One thing I am glad about are the people that actually do give a fuck about what happens to me. They're the people that make me feel like maybe the others just don't matter. I don't know what I'd do without them.
Friday, October 23, 2009
Monday, August 31, 2009
Stuck on a Roller Coaster
So, I think there's something wrong with me. I've been fine for the last couple months, but now it's back. Big, bad, and scary. The Sadness.
It just rears it's ugly head and I'm reduced to lying on my bed, one eye smushed into the mattress and the other eye open with tears streaming down and off my nose. I don't even really know what's wrong.
Well, I do. But I wish I would get over it already. How long can I stay stuck on people wanting me to be different? And it's weird cuz I do want to change. But I can't. I try and fail. Try and fail. Try and fail.
I'm stuck the way I am.
And for the most part I like myself. But I do wish I was better with relationships. Not like boy-girl kissy-kissy stuff, although I could probably stand to be better at that too. But the friendships and all that. I'm kind of a sucky friend.
It's weird because, honestly, I care so much about every friend I make. I don't really make that many. Especially not good ones. I don't really let anyone in. And I'm not good at keeping in touch or anything of that nature. It's just not something I think about.
But even the times I've tried the whole "keep in touch" thing. It's just not the same. And I'll keep trying for a while, but there's only so long I can try before I just feel like it's pointless.
I wish I could. I wish that I hadn't let myself grow apart from people. But I don't know what to do about that.
And so I cry. Because it's really the only thing I know how to do when I get like this.
It just rears it's ugly head and I'm reduced to lying on my bed, one eye smushed into the mattress and the other eye open with tears streaming down and off my nose. I don't even really know what's wrong.
Well, I do. But I wish I would get over it already. How long can I stay stuck on people wanting me to be different? And it's weird cuz I do want to change. But I can't. I try and fail. Try and fail. Try and fail.
I'm stuck the way I am.
And for the most part I like myself. But I do wish I was better with relationships. Not like boy-girl kissy-kissy stuff, although I could probably stand to be better at that too. But the friendships and all that. I'm kind of a sucky friend.
It's weird because, honestly, I care so much about every friend I make. I don't really make that many. Especially not good ones. I don't really let anyone in. And I'm not good at keeping in touch or anything of that nature. It's just not something I think about.
But even the times I've tried the whole "keep in touch" thing. It's just not the same. And I'll keep trying for a while, but there's only so long I can try before I just feel like it's pointless.
I wish I could. I wish that I hadn't let myself grow apart from people. But I don't know what to do about that.
And so I cry. Because it's really the only thing I know how to do when I get like this.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Wreck of the Day
I don't know where my head is at. I walk around all day, detached from everything that's going on. And even that doesn't really bug me most of the time. Not really anyway. It's just an observation. Nothing really bugs me. Nothing really fucking matters. Except a couple times a day, I'll have this like intense burst of emotion. It's like this intense caring. I don't know what to do with that. It's freaking me out right now.
My dogs sick. She hasn't been eating and she's weak. The vet thinks she ate rat poison or something. And I'm really worried. Even though I know it'll probably be fine. I just I don't want her to be hurt.
Fuck, I'm crying. I'm so fucking stupid. This is just damned ridiculous. I don't want to be this person.
"Wreck Of The Day"
"Driving away from the wreck of the day
And the light's always red in the rear-view
Desperately close to a coffin of hope
I'd cheat destiny just to be near you
If this is giving up, then I'm giving up
If this is giving up, then I'm giving up, giving up
On love, On love
Driving away from the wreck of the day
And I'm thinking 'bout calling on Jesus
'Cause love doesn't hurt so I know I'm not falling in love
I'm just falling to pieces
And if this is giving up then I'm giving up
If this is giving up then I'm giving up, giving up
On love, On love
And maybe I'm not up for being a victim of love
When all my resistance will never be distance enough
Driving away from the wreck of the day
And it's finally quiet in my head
Driving alone, finally on my way home to the comfort of my bed
And if this is giving up, then I'm giving up
If this is giving up, then I'm giving up, giving up
On love, On love"
My dogs sick. She hasn't been eating and she's weak. The vet thinks she ate rat poison or something. And I'm really worried. Even though I know it'll probably be fine. I just I don't want her to be hurt.
Fuck, I'm crying. I'm so fucking stupid. This is just damned ridiculous. I don't want to be this person.
"Wreck Of The Day"
"Driving away from the wreck of the day
And the light's always red in the rear-view
Desperately close to a coffin of hope
I'd cheat destiny just to be near you
If this is giving up, then I'm giving up
If this is giving up, then I'm giving up, giving up
On love, On love
Driving away from the wreck of the day
And I'm thinking 'bout calling on Jesus
'Cause love doesn't hurt so I know I'm not falling in love
I'm just falling to pieces
And if this is giving up then I'm giving up
If this is giving up then I'm giving up, giving up
On love, On love
And maybe I'm not up for being a victim of love
When all my resistance will never be distance enough
Driving away from the wreck of the day
And it's finally quiet in my head
Driving alone, finally on my way home to the comfort of my bed
And if this is giving up, then I'm giving up
If this is giving up, then I'm giving up, giving up
On love, On love"
Monday, March 30, 2009
GAH!
I am sick to death of people not living up to what they say they'll do or whatever. I'm just so tired of it. I'm sick of this fucking lack of follow through. But what the hell can I do about it. NOTHING!
Because no matter what happens, I just don't make a difference, even when I actually fucking try. Me trying doesn't mean anything. Do I even mean anything? Because seriously... No one fucking listens to me. EVER. People want my advice, they want me to listen and be there for them. BUT WHY?! It's not like they actually give a shit about what I think. So why THE HELL ask me? Why the HELL talk to me about shit when you don't even value my opinion? It's so stupid. People just take what I say and do the OPPOSITE for some reason.
I'm so sick of people. I accidentally glared at random people this morning cuz I was just so pissed off. I mean, I'm still pissed off, but not as bad as this morning.
Whatever. Screw it.
In other news: unpacking is a bitch. lol Like I didn't know that already. New roomie seems cool though. We're a lot different, but we're both pretty chill, so I think we'll be fine, so that's good.
Also, not looking forward to classes tomorrow. Bleh. I'm just noot in the mood. *sigh* whatever.
Because no matter what happens, I just don't make a difference, even when I actually fucking try. Me trying doesn't mean anything. Do I even mean anything? Because seriously... No one fucking listens to me. EVER. People want my advice, they want me to listen and be there for them. BUT WHY?! It's not like they actually give a shit about what I think. So why THE HELL ask me? Why the HELL talk to me about shit when you don't even value my opinion? It's so stupid. People just take what I say and do the OPPOSITE for some reason.
I'm so sick of people. I accidentally glared at random people this morning cuz I was just so pissed off. I mean, I'm still pissed off, but not as bad as this morning.
Whatever. Screw it.
In other news: unpacking is a bitch. lol Like I didn't know that already. New roomie seems cool though. We're a lot different, but we're both pretty chill, so I think we'll be fine, so that's good.
Also, not looking forward to classes tomorrow. Bleh. I'm just noot in the mood. *sigh* whatever.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Let it Go
Run, is that all you can do,
Its all you’ve been doing since you been 2,
You just run,
You run away from change,
Leaving me bleeding but you cant see.
Your so dumb,
With your big dumb face,
And your big dumb ego,
What a disgrace, let it go,
What a disgrace, let it go.
Wait, I aint waiting for shit,
Coz when your waiting on something,
All you can get is a fix,
Yeah you were just my fix,
Punchin’ your card in for all you can get.
Your so dumb,
With your big dumb face,
And your big dumb ego,
What a disgrace, let it go,
What a disgrace, let it go.
What hurts so much,
Is I believed you to be a true friend,
All a long,
But you never cared,
You never cared.
That I had your back,
Through all the confusion,
Through all the abuse and I cared,
No matter what you said,
But now you betrayed me,
Embarrassed and plagued me.
So dumb,
With your big dumb face,
And your big dumb ego,
What a disgrace, let it go,
What a disgrace, let it go.
What hurts so much,
Is I believed you to be a true friend,
All a long,
But you never cared,
What hurts so much,
Is I believed you to be a true friend,
All a long,
But you never cared,
You never cared.
I always used to say,
Keep your friends close,
And your enemies closer,
I always used to say,
Dig a hole for the next man and you’ll fall in,
I always used to say,
Keep your friends close,
And your enemies closer,
I always used to say,
Dig a hole for the next man and you’ll fall in,
I know, you know,
That your ready to fall in,
I know, you know,
That your ready to fall in,
I know, you know,
That your ready to fall in,
I know, you know,
That your ready to fall in,
Too late now,
Afraid now,
Of all the things I could say now,
Its too late to,
complain you,
Don’t deserve a word.
Now… Too late now,
Afraid now,
Of all the things I could say now,
Its too late to,
Complain you,
Don’t deserve a word.
What hurts so much,
Is I believed you to be a true friend,
All a long,
But you never cared,
You never cared.
What hurts so much,
Is I believed you to be a true friend,
All a long,
But you never cared.
Its all you’ve been doing since you been 2,
You just run,
You run away from change,
Leaving me bleeding but you cant see.
Your so dumb,
With your big dumb face,
And your big dumb ego,
What a disgrace, let it go,
What a disgrace, let it go.
Wait, I aint waiting for shit,
Coz when your waiting on something,
All you can get is a fix,
Yeah you were just my fix,
Punchin’ your card in for all you can get.
Your so dumb,
With your big dumb face,
And your big dumb ego,
What a disgrace, let it go,
What a disgrace, let it go.
What hurts so much,
Is I believed you to be a true friend,
All a long,
But you never cared,
You never cared.
That I had your back,
Through all the confusion,
Through all the abuse and I cared,
No matter what you said,
But now you betrayed me,
Embarrassed and plagued me.
So dumb,
With your big dumb face,
And your big dumb ego,
What a disgrace, let it go,
What a disgrace, let it go.
What hurts so much,
Is I believed you to be a true friend,
All a long,
But you never cared,
What hurts so much,
Is I believed you to be a true friend,
All a long,
But you never cared,
You never cared.
I always used to say,
Keep your friends close,
And your enemies closer,
I always used to say,
Dig a hole for the next man and you’ll fall in,
I always used to say,
Keep your friends close,
And your enemies closer,
I always used to say,
Dig a hole for the next man and you’ll fall in,
I know, you know,
That your ready to fall in,
I know, you know,
That your ready to fall in,
I know, you know,
That your ready to fall in,
I know, you know,
That your ready to fall in,
Too late now,
Afraid now,
Of all the things I could say now,
Its too late to,
complain you,
Don’t deserve a word.
Now… Too late now,
Afraid now,
Of all the things I could say now,
Its too late to,
Complain you,
Don’t deserve a word.
What hurts so much,
Is I believed you to be a true friend,
All a long,
But you never cared,
You never cared.
What hurts so much,
Is I believed you to be a true friend,
All a long,
But you never cared.
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Ghost of You
God, I can't seem to get my head straight for the life of me. There's just been too much going on. I mean in the past few weeks I just feel like my life has been uprooted. And its so out of control. And I don't know how to deal.
I still don't know what to do about my brotherl.
I'm trying to help Nicole, which is hard because I still don't trust her completely... but it's coming back. Especially since she told her parents the whole truth and she told the cop the whole truth.
I don't know. She's been getting texts from her ex-boyfriend. Creepy things like 'Damn it's so dark up here. No moon.' and 'It's so easy for me. You're always in one of two places. Western or home. I know where you sleep. I know where your friends live. You can't hide' and 'do you love your mommy and daddy?'... shit like that... it's been making me paranoid, plus he said something about before killing himself, he'd drive up here and take people down with him.
But now he's in jail... at least for the weekend. Picked him up on felony harassment, i think. Maybe domestic violence or something. He pulled a knife on her. And he's been following her and staking out her place. One time he followed her when one of our other friends was with her in the car.
But I don't know, those things don't mess me up. I've never been good at shaking people off. I don't want to shake her off. I don't know... she's kinda my fucking family.
I'm so glad it was dark in the car when we were driving cuz one of the songs hit me and i couldn't stop crying.
Why can't life be simple?
I still don't know what to do about my brotherl.
I'm trying to help Nicole, which is hard because I still don't trust her completely... but it's coming back. Especially since she told her parents the whole truth and she told the cop the whole truth.
I don't know. She's been getting texts from her ex-boyfriend. Creepy things like 'Damn it's so dark up here. No moon.' and 'It's so easy for me. You're always in one of two places. Western or home. I know where you sleep. I know where your friends live. You can't hide' and 'do you love your mommy and daddy?'... shit like that... it's been making me paranoid, plus he said something about before killing himself, he'd drive up here and take people down with him.
But now he's in jail... at least for the weekend. Picked him up on felony harassment, i think. Maybe domestic violence or something. He pulled a knife on her. And he's been following her and staking out her place. One time he followed her when one of our other friends was with her in the car.
But I don't know, those things don't mess me up. I've never been good at shaking people off. I don't want to shake her off. I don't know... she's kinda my fucking family.
I'm so glad it was dark in the car when we were driving cuz one of the songs hit me and i couldn't stop crying.
Why can't life be simple?
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
How Far We've Come
I'm just hurting right now. And I'm worried and preoccupied and I just keep trying to avoid my problems like usual, but I can't. It's just in my head and I can't shake it out. I forget for like an hour and then it comes back with a vengeance.
I'm worried because I can't pass my Canadian class. I can't organize my thoughts. They just.. they're everywhere. And I'm so worried about my brother, but he's not listening to me. He refuses to listen. He wants to do acid and shrooms and he just keeps searching for this bigger high everytime and it scares me. I just... I don't know what his limit is. And I don't know what to do about it.
It's just he's been talking to me lately. Like he respects my opinion. Like I kind of always wished he would. Like I'm this cool older sister. I always wanted him to look up to me. Not that I think he looks up to me exactly, but I don't wanna screw up the progress we've made. But if something happens to him, I know that I won't be able to stop blaming myself. I just wish there was someway I could protect him without making him hate me. I don't think I can take him hating me.
And then there's the friend who I never know if she's telling me the truth or bullshitting me. But at least she's getting a restraining order for part of the problem... So maybe that'll help. I don't know!
And there's the other person whos got me so terrified. I just don't want to lose her. But at the same time, it's like everytime she comes back, I just can't escape this feeling that she's gonna leave again. But the thing is I would rather have her around and think that she might ditch me then have her actually do it and lose her completely.
"Hello
Hello
Hello
Waking up at the start of the end of the world,
But it's feeling just like every other morning before,
Now I wonder what my life is going to mean if it's gone,
The cars are moving like a half a mile an hour
And I started staring at the passengers who're waving goodbye
Can you tell me what was ever really special about me all this time?
I believe the world is burning to the ground
Oh well I guess we're gonna find out
Let's see how far we've come
Let's see how far we've come
Well I believe it all is coming to an end
Oh well, I guess, we're gonna pretend,
Let's see how far we've come
Let's see how far we've come
I think it turned ten o'clock but I don't really know
And I can't remember caring for an hour or so
Started crying and I couldn't stop myself
I started running but there's no where to run to
I sat down on the street took a look at myself
Said where you going man you know the world is headed for hell
Say your goodbyes if you've got someone you can say goodbye to
I believe the world is burning to the ground
Oh well I guess we're gonna find out
Let's see how far we've come
Let's see how far we've come
Well I, believe, it all, is coming to an end
Oh well, I guess, we're gonna pretend,
Let's see how far we've come
Let's see how far we've come
It's gone, gone, baby, it's all gone
There is no one on the corner and there's no one at home
It was cool cool, it was just all cool
Now it's over for me and it's over for you
Well it's gone, gone, baby, it's all gone
There is no one on the corner and there's no one at home
Well it was cool cool, it was just all cool
Now it's over for me and it's over for you
I believe the world is burning to the ground
Oh well I guess we're gonna find out
Let's see how far we've come
Let's see how far we've come
Well I, believe, it all, is coming to an end
Oh well, I guess, we're gonna pretend,
Let's see how far we've come
Let's see how far we've come
Let's see how far we've come
Let's see how far we've come
Let's see how far we've come
Let's see how far we've come
Let's see how far we've come
Let's see how far we've come
Let's see how far we've come"
I'm worried because I can't pass my Canadian class. I can't organize my thoughts. They just.. they're everywhere. And I'm so worried about my brother, but he's not listening to me. He refuses to listen. He wants to do acid and shrooms and he just keeps searching for this bigger high everytime and it scares me. I just... I don't know what his limit is. And I don't know what to do about it.
It's just he's been talking to me lately. Like he respects my opinion. Like I kind of always wished he would. Like I'm this cool older sister. I always wanted him to look up to me. Not that I think he looks up to me exactly, but I don't wanna screw up the progress we've made. But if something happens to him, I know that I won't be able to stop blaming myself. I just wish there was someway I could protect him without making him hate me. I don't think I can take him hating me.
And then there's the friend who I never know if she's telling me the truth or bullshitting me. But at least she's getting a restraining order for part of the problem... So maybe that'll help. I don't know!
And there's the other person whos got me so terrified. I just don't want to lose her. But at the same time, it's like everytime she comes back, I just can't escape this feeling that she's gonna leave again. But the thing is I would rather have her around and think that she might ditch me then have her actually do it and lose her completely.
"Hello
Hello
Hello
Waking up at the start of the end of the world,
But it's feeling just like every other morning before,
Now I wonder what my life is going to mean if it's gone,
The cars are moving like a half a mile an hour
And I started staring at the passengers who're waving goodbye
Can you tell me what was ever really special about me all this time?
I believe the world is burning to the ground
Oh well I guess we're gonna find out
Let's see how far we've come
Let's see how far we've come
Well I believe it all is coming to an end
Oh well, I guess, we're gonna pretend,
Let's see how far we've come
Let's see how far we've come
I think it turned ten o'clock but I don't really know
And I can't remember caring for an hour or so
Started crying and I couldn't stop myself
I started running but there's no where to run to
I sat down on the street took a look at myself
Said where you going man you know the world is headed for hell
Say your goodbyes if you've got someone you can say goodbye to
I believe the world is burning to the ground
Oh well I guess we're gonna find out
Let's see how far we've come
Let's see how far we've come
Well I, believe, it all, is coming to an end
Oh well, I guess, we're gonna pretend,
Let's see how far we've come
Let's see how far we've come
It's gone, gone, baby, it's all gone
There is no one on the corner and there's no one at home
It was cool cool, it was just all cool
Now it's over for me and it's over for you
Well it's gone, gone, baby, it's all gone
There is no one on the corner and there's no one at home
Well it was cool cool, it was just all cool
Now it's over for me and it's over for you
I believe the world is burning to the ground
Oh well I guess we're gonna find out
Let's see how far we've come
Let's see how far we've come
Well I, believe, it all, is coming to an end
Oh well, I guess, we're gonna pretend,
Let's see how far we've come
Let's see how far we've come
Let's see how far we've come
Let's see how far we've come
Let's see how far we've come
Let's see how far we've come
Let's see how far we've come
Let's see how far we've come
Let's see how far we've come"
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Feel Good Inc.
Okay, so I've decide to write a post that isn't just me getting out bad emotions. Because that's not all I am. I have plenty of good emotions. lol Okay, so I'm just gonna write about what I've done this weekend.
It's not a whole lot. Although, on friday, I smoked weed a lil bit with a few friends. It didn't really do a whole lot for me. But it did make me feel more relaxed. Which was nice, cuz usually I don't around people. Some people, yes. But most people, no. Then we just ended up playing cards for hours and passing out at like 12:30. Best sleep ever by the way. Slept for like 12 hours straight. I've never been able to do that. I'm usually a really restless sleeper.
Then on Saturday, I worked on homework for most of the day. Then Sam came over and we watched How I Met Your Mother and studied some more. Then at like 1, we walked downtown to get some pitas.
haha Sort of a bad idea. So many sketchy people. There was this one creeper-looking guy in a sweatshirt with the hood up. ...He looked like a stalker. Then downtown was filled with crazy drunks. Of course. Anyways, so we got a little lost trying to find Pita Pit. But we got there eventually. The lady taking orders was seriously on something or SOMETHING, I don't know. She just sounded nutty and giddy.
So we have our pitas and we're going to head to the bus stop. Two crazy hobos in our way like guarding the sidewalk or something. Not really, but they were making weird movements and noises and we were like OTHER WAY OTHER WAY. hhahaha Then we were passing this large black man and he was like Hey! Aand I sort of thought it was directed at us but I was like (to myself) keep walking, keep walking! Then he's like Hey! YOU TWO! And we just went shhiiit. And walked quicker.
I kind of wonder what he wanted, but by that time we were so freaked out. O_o So we walked back and were just freaking out. Plus neither one of us has a good sense of direction, so that didn't help. And creepy people were like popping out of nowhere.
So yeah, we decided we're never doing that again. Seriously. Well... unless we got a huge ass guy with us. Like Joe. Joe could beat some heads together if he needed to.
Aand today, I watched some more HIMYM. And now I should go study. I got a midterm on wednesday and I sort of need to pass.
Post Over.
It's not a whole lot. Although, on friday, I smoked weed a lil bit with a few friends. It didn't really do a whole lot for me. But it did make me feel more relaxed. Which was nice, cuz usually I don't around people. Some people, yes. But most people, no. Then we just ended up playing cards for hours and passing out at like 12:30. Best sleep ever by the way. Slept for like 12 hours straight. I've never been able to do that. I'm usually a really restless sleeper.
Then on Saturday, I worked on homework for most of the day. Then Sam came over and we watched How I Met Your Mother and studied some more. Then at like 1, we walked downtown to get some pitas.
haha Sort of a bad idea. So many sketchy people. There was this one creeper-looking guy in a sweatshirt with the hood up. ...He looked like a stalker. Then downtown was filled with crazy drunks. Of course. Anyways, so we got a little lost trying to find Pita Pit. But we got there eventually. The lady taking orders was seriously on something or SOMETHING, I don't know. She just sounded nutty and giddy.
So we have our pitas and we're going to head to the bus stop. Two crazy hobos in our way like guarding the sidewalk or something. Not really, but they were making weird movements and noises and we were like OTHER WAY OTHER WAY. hhahaha Then we were passing this large black man and he was like Hey! Aand I sort of thought it was directed at us but I was like (to myself) keep walking, keep walking! Then he's like Hey! YOU TWO! And we just went shhiiit. And walked quicker.
I kind of wonder what he wanted, but by that time we were so freaked out. O_o So we walked back and were just freaking out. Plus neither one of us has a good sense of direction, so that didn't help. And creepy people were like popping out of nowhere.
So yeah, we decided we're never doing that again. Seriously. Well... unless we got a huge ass guy with us. Like Joe. Joe could beat some heads together if he needed to.
Aand today, I watched some more HIMYM. And now I should go study. I got a midterm on wednesday and I sort of need to pass.
Post Over.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Hide and Seek
"where are we?
what the hell is going on?
the dust has only just begun to form
crop circles in the carpet
sinking feeling
spin me round again
and rub my eyes,
this can't be happening
when busy streets amass with people
would stop to hold their heads heavy
hide and seek
trains and sewing machines
all those years
they were here first
oily marks appear on walls
where pleasure moments hung before the takeover,
the sweeping insensitivity of this still life
hide and seek
trains and sewing machines (oh, you won't catch me around here)
blood and tears (hearts)
they were here first
Mmmm whatcha say,
Mmm that you only meant well?
well of course you did
Mmmm whatcha say,
Mmmm that it's all for the best?
Of course it is
Mmmm whatcha say?
Mmmm that it's just what we need
you decided this
whatcha say?
Mmmm what did she say?
ransom notes keep falling out your mouth
mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut outs
speak no feeling no I don't believe you
you don't care a bit,
you don't care a bit
(hide and seek)
ransom notes keep falling out your mouth
mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut outs
(hide and seek)
speak no feeling no I don't believe you
you don't care a bit,
you don't care a (you don't care a) bit
(hide and seek)
oh no, you don't care a bit
oh no, you don't care a bit
(hide and seek)
oh no, you don't care a bit
you don't care a bit
you don't care a bit"
-Hide and Seek by Imogen Heap
Do you ever feel like you're being lied to but you have no proof? And there's almost no way to prove it...
It's just this insidious feeling eating through your gut, making you nauseous and squirmy inside.
The nauseous and squirmy feeling might just be me.
It's like my gut warning me to get out. But I can't.
I can't even move.
I've never been good at trusting people with ... anything really.
Well, that's not exactly true. Just not the important things.
That's partly because I've been burned in the past, and partly because telling people the important things requires reliving them. And there are some things I just hate reliving.
Those are the things that just make me break down. Sometimes not immediately. But if I start to talk and actually tell someone I cry. And I hate when people see me cry. I mean, people have seen me. But every time they do, it just feels like failure.
My family sees crying as a weakness. Weaknesses aren't allowed. I think the last time I cried in front of someone in my family was my mom. She got mad at me and told me to stop. I couldn't, which only made me cry harder. She glared at me and left the room. I kept making those pathetic, high-pitched wheezing sounds that people make when they try to stop crying before they're done.
The time before that was my brother. But my brother actually tried to comfort me. I'm pretty sure he offered to kick some one's ass for me. My brother's kinda funny like that. He can be a total narcissistic asshole, but he cares more than he lets on.
I have never seen someone in my family cry. Except for my brother once when he was six and stepped on an entire beehive. Other than that, nothing. They're complete robots. My dad's favorite uncle died. Nothing. My grandpa (mom's side) almost died. Nothing.
I don't know how they do it. If I tried to bottle things up that much, I think I would explode. I don't think I'd be able to sleep at night. I just don't get it. I'm easily the most emotional person in my family. I mean, I'm a fairly emotional but I don't think I'm extreme or anything. But around my family, I feel like it.
what the hell is going on?
the dust has only just begun to form
crop circles in the carpet
sinking feeling
spin me round again
and rub my eyes,
this can't be happening
when busy streets amass with people
would stop to hold their heads heavy
hide and seek
trains and sewing machines
all those years
they were here first
oily marks appear on walls
where pleasure moments hung before the takeover,
the sweeping insensitivity of this still life
hide and seek
trains and sewing machines (oh, you won't catch me around here)
blood and tears (hearts)
they were here first
Mmmm whatcha say,
Mmm that you only meant well?
well of course you did
Mmmm whatcha say,
Mmmm that it's all for the best?
Of course it is
Mmmm whatcha say?
Mmmm that it's just what we need
you decided this
whatcha say?
Mmmm what did she say?
ransom notes keep falling out your mouth
mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut outs
speak no feeling no I don't believe you
you don't care a bit,
you don't care a bit
(hide and seek)
ransom notes keep falling out your mouth
mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut outs
(hide and seek)
speak no feeling no I don't believe you
you don't care a bit,
you don't care a (you don't care a) bit
(hide and seek)
oh no, you don't care a bit
oh no, you don't care a bit
(hide and seek)
oh no, you don't care a bit
you don't care a bit
you don't care a bit"
-Hide and Seek by Imogen Heap
Do you ever feel like you're being lied to but you have no proof? And there's almost no way to prove it...
It's just this insidious feeling eating through your gut, making you nauseous and squirmy inside.
The nauseous and squirmy feeling might just be me.
It's like my gut warning me to get out. But I can't.
I can't even move.
I've never been good at trusting people with ... anything really.
Well, that's not exactly true. Just not the important things.
That's partly because I've been burned in the past, and partly because telling people the important things requires reliving them. And there are some things I just hate reliving.
Those are the things that just make me break down. Sometimes not immediately. But if I start to talk and actually tell someone I cry. And I hate when people see me cry. I mean, people have seen me. But every time they do, it just feels like failure.
My family sees crying as a weakness. Weaknesses aren't allowed. I think the last time I cried in front of someone in my family was my mom. She got mad at me and told me to stop. I couldn't, which only made me cry harder. She glared at me and left the room. I kept making those pathetic, high-pitched wheezing sounds that people make when they try to stop crying before they're done.
The time before that was my brother. But my brother actually tried to comfort me. I'm pretty sure he offered to kick some one's ass for me. My brother's kinda funny like that. He can be a total narcissistic asshole, but he cares more than he lets on.
I have never seen someone in my family cry. Except for my brother once when he was six and stepped on an entire beehive. Other than that, nothing. They're complete robots. My dad's favorite uncle died. Nothing. My grandpa (mom's side) almost died. Nothing.
I don't know how they do it. If I tried to bottle things up that much, I think I would explode. I don't think I'd be able to sleep at night. I just don't get it. I'm easily the most emotional person in my family. I mean, I'm a fairly emotional but I don't think I'm extreme or anything. But around my family, I feel like it.
Monday, February 2, 2009
Are You Happy Now?
Do you ever feel like whatever decision you make, everything just tends to suck anyway?
Yeah, me too.
I can't seem to escape the feeling that what I want doesn't matter. What I need is irrelevant. Who I want to be doesn't mean shit.
No matter what I do, I keep hitting the same, old walls. From my own personal issues, to other people's issues, to what seems to be God's issues with me.
I don't know. I keep trying to change my bad habits. But I don't know if I can. I'm starting to doubt it.
I want to be outgoing. I want to be that person that makes people happy right when they see me. I want to make them laugh. I want to not be a complete retard. I want to be able to pass my classes, which isn't going as well as I'd like, although I'm not outright failing. I want to be somebody. I just want to matter.
Not that I think I don't matter. I do, I guess. I just wish I could make some profoundly awesome difference in someone's life.
Anyway, my life is so full of wants at the moment. And I just kind of wish that I would be content to be.
Yeah, me too.
I can't seem to escape the feeling that what I want doesn't matter. What I need is irrelevant. Who I want to be doesn't mean shit.
No matter what I do, I keep hitting the same, old walls. From my own personal issues, to other people's issues, to what seems to be God's issues with me.
I don't know. I keep trying to change my bad habits. But I don't know if I can. I'm starting to doubt it.
I want to be outgoing. I want to be that person that makes people happy right when they see me. I want to make them laugh. I want to not be a complete retard. I want to be able to pass my classes, which isn't going as well as I'd like, although I'm not outright failing. I want to be somebody. I just want to matter.
Not that I think I don't matter. I do, I guess. I just wish I could make some profoundly awesome difference in someone's life.
Anyway, my life is so full of wants at the moment. And I just kind of wish that I would be content to be.
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