BLAH BLAH BLAH

Sometimes I feel like I'm just zombie-walking through my life. People talk. I pretend to listen, but I can't. I am somewhere else. Nowhere special, just anywhere but where I'm supposed to be.

Sometimes I feel bad about that. It's not that I don't care about the people talking or I don't care about what they have to say. It's that I can't stay focused. I start to listen but I end up nodding and intermittently studying their face so I know when to smile or shake my head ruefully.

Sometimes I feel like all this pretend smiling and listening separates me from everybody else. Like there is a gigantic wall between me and everyone else. Except they can see me; I just can't see them. Like those one-way mirrors in interrogation rooms.

Sometimes I don't even feel alive anymore
Sometimes I just feel like a freak.

Stressss

My brain hurts. I have to get my GPA up. And its just hitting me now because I realized something:

I want to be a librarian. No, scratch that, I need to.

And in order to do that, I have to get into grad school.

I just have this feeling like if I mess this up, I'll hate myself.

How do you forgive yourself for screwing up your own dreams?

I Just Feel Dumb

I just keep thinking back and I don't know why I put up with so much crap from people. I don't.

It's like I'm conditioned to care about people around me no matter what. You show a glimmer of caring towards me? You're in. And I'll just take whatever comes at me.

Most of the time, I like that I care so much about people, you know? Because that should be a desirable quality in a person. But it just sucks so bad, when you realize that other people just don't care as much as you do. At least not about you.

Sometimes I just feel like people use me. Not even like for material things, but just because they know that at the end of it all, I'll be there.

I'm not really sure there was even a point to this, because I know I won't change. I don't even know if I could.

One thing I am glad about are the people that actually do give a fuck about what happens to me. They're the people that make me feel like maybe the others just don't matter. I don't know what I'd do without them.

Stuck on a Roller Coaster

So, I think there's something wrong with me. I've been fine for the last couple months, but now it's back. Big, bad, and scary. The Sadness.

It just rears it's ugly head and I'm reduced to lying on my bed, one eye smushed into the mattress and the other eye open with tears streaming down and off my nose. I don't even really know what's wrong.

Well, I do. But I wish I would get over it already. How long can I stay stuck on people wanting me to be different? And it's weird cuz I do want to change. But I can't. I try and fail. Try and fail. Try and fail.

I'm stuck the way I am.

And for the most part I like myself. But I do wish I was better with relationships. Not like boy-girl kissy-kissy stuff, although I could probably stand to be better at that too. But the friendships and all that. I'm kind of a sucky friend.

It's weird because, honestly, I care so much about every friend I make. I don't really make that many. Especially not good ones. I don't really let anyone in. And I'm not good at keeping in touch or anything of that nature. It's just not something I think about.

But even the times I've tried the whole "keep in touch" thing. It's just not the same. And I'll keep trying for a while, but there's only so long I can try before I just feel like it's pointless.

I wish I could. I wish that I hadn't let myself grow apart from people. But I don't know what to do about that.

And so I cry. Because it's really the only thing I know how to do when I get like this.

Wreck of the Day

I don't know where my head is at. I walk around all day, detached from everything that's going on. And even that doesn't really bug me most of the time. Not really anyway. It's just an observation. Nothing really bugs me. Nothing really fucking matters. Except a couple times a day, I'll have this like intense burst of emotion. It's like this intense caring. I don't know what to do with that. It's freaking me out right now.

My dogs sick. She hasn't been eating and she's weak. The vet thinks she ate rat poison or something. And I'm really worried. Even though I know it'll probably be fine. I just I don't want her to be hurt.

Fuck, I'm crying. I'm so fucking stupid. This is just damned ridiculous. I don't want to be this person.

"Wreck Of The Day"

"Driving away from the wreck of the day
And the light's always red in the rear-view
Desperately close to a coffin of hope
I'd cheat destiny just to be near you
If this is giving up, then I'm giving up
If this is giving up, then I'm giving up, giving up
On love, On love

Driving away from the wreck of the day
And I'm thinking 'bout calling on Jesus
'Cause love doesn't hurt so I know I'm not falling in love
I'm just falling to pieces

And if this is giving up then I'm giving up
If this is giving up then I'm giving up, giving up
On love, On love

And maybe I'm not up for being a victim of love
When all my resistance will never be distance enough

Driving away from the wreck of the day
And it's finally quiet in my head
Driving alone, finally on my way home to the comfort of my bed
And if this is giving up, then I'm giving up
If this is giving up, then I'm giving up, giving up
On love, On love"

GAH!

I am sick to death of people not living up to what they say they'll do or whatever. I'm just so tired of it. I'm sick of this fucking lack of follow through. But what the hell can I do about it. NOTHING!

Because no matter what happens, I just don't make a difference, even when I actually fucking try. Me trying doesn't mean anything. Do I even mean anything? Because seriously... No one fucking listens to me. EVER. People want my advice, they want me to listen and be there for them. BUT WHY?! It's not like they actually give a shit about what I think. So why THE HELL ask me? Why the HELL talk to me about shit when you don't even value my opinion? It's so stupid. People just take what I say and do the OPPOSITE for some reason.

I'm so sick of people. I accidentally glared at random people this morning cuz I was just so pissed off. I mean, I'm still pissed off, but not as bad as this morning.

Whatever. Screw it.

In other news: unpacking is a bitch. lol Like I didn't know that already. New roomie seems cool though. We're a lot different, but we're both pretty chill, so I think we'll be fine, so that's good.

Also, not looking forward to classes tomorrow. Bleh. I'm just noot in the mood. *sigh* whatever.

Let it Go

Run, is that all you can do,
Its all you’ve been doing since you been 2,
You just run,
You run away from change,
Leaving me bleeding but you cant see.

Your so dumb,
With your big dumb face,
And your big dumb ego,
What a disgrace, let it go,
What a disgrace, let it go.

Wait, I aint waiting for shit,
Coz when your waiting on something,
All you can get is a fix,
Yeah you were just my fix,
Punchin’ your card in for all you can get.

Your so dumb,
With your big dumb face,
And your big dumb ego,
What a disgrace, let it go,
What a disgrace, let it go.

What hurts so much,
Is I believed you to be a true friend,
All a long,
But you never cared,
You never cared.

That I had your back,
Through all the confusion,
Through all the abuse and I cared,
No matter what you said,
But now you betrayed me,
Embarrassed and plagued me.

So dumb,
With your big dumb face,
And your big dumb ego,
What a disgrace, let it go,
What a disgrace, let it go.

What hurts so much,
Is I believed you to be a true friend,
All a long,
But you never cared,

What hurts so much,
Is I believed you to be a true friend,
All a long,
But you never cared,
You never cared.

I always used to say,
Keep your friends close,
And your enemies closer,
I always used to say,
Dig a hole for the next man and you’ll fall in,

I always used to say,
Keep your friends close,
And your enemies closer,
I always used to say,
Dig a hole for the next man and you’ll fall in,

I know, you know,
That your ready to fall in,
I know, you know,
That your ready to fall in,
I know, you know,
That your ready to fall in,
I know, you know,
That your ready to fall in,

Too late now,
Afraid now,
Of all the things I could say now,
Its too late to,
complain you,
Don’t deserve a word.

Now… Too late now,
Afraid now,
Of all the things I could say now,
Its too late to,
Complain you,
Don’t deserve a word.

What hurts so much,
Is I believed you to be a true friend,
All a long,
But you never cared,
You never cared.

What hurts so much,
Is I believed you to be a true friend,
All a long,
But you never cared.