Stuck on a Roller Coaster

So, I think there's something wrong with me. I've been fine for the last couple months, but now it's back. Big, bad, and scary. The Sadness.

It just rears it's ugly head and I'm reduced to lying on my bed, one eye smushed into the mattress and the other eye open with tears streaming down and off my nose. I don't even really know what's wrong.

Well, I do. But I wish I would get over it already. How long can I stay stuck on people wanting me to be different? And it's weird cuz I do want to change. But I can't. I try and fail. Try and fail. Try and fail.

I'm stuck the way I am.

And for the most part I like myself. But I do wish I was better with relationships. Not like boy-girl kissy-kissy stuff, although I could probably stand to be better at that too. But the friendships and all that. I'm kind of a sucky friend.

It's weird because, honestly, I care so much about every friend I make. I don't really make that many. Especially not good ones. I don't really let anyone in. And I'm not good at keeping in touch or anything of that nature. It's just not something I think about.

But even the times I've tried the whole "keep in touch" thing. It's just not the same. And I'll keep trying for a while, but there's only so long I can try before I just feel like it's pointless.

I wish I could. I wish that I hadn't let myself grow apart from people. But I don't know what to do about that.

And so I cry. Because it's really the only thing I know how to do when I get like this.