Hide and Seek

"where are we?
what the hell is going on?
the dust has only just begun to form
crop circles in the carpet
sinking feeling

spin me round again
and rub my eyes,
this can't be happening
when busy streets amass with people
would stop to hold their heads heavy

hide and seek
trains and sewing machines
all those years
they were here first

oily marks appear on walls
where pleasure moments hung before the takeover,
the sweeping insensitivity of this still life

hide and seek
trains and sewing machines (oh, you won't catch me around here)
blood and tears (hearts)
they were here first

Mmmm whatcha say,
Mmm that you only meant well?
well of course you did
Mmmm whatcha say,
Mmmm that it's all for the best?
Of course it is
Mmmm whatcha say?
Mmmm that it's just what we need
you decided this
whatcha say?
Mmmm what did she say?

ransom notes keep falling out your mouth
mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut outs
speak no feeling no I don't believe you
you don't care a bit,
you don't care a bit

(hide and seek)
ransom notes keep falling out your mouth
mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut outs

(hide and seek)
speak no feeling no I don't believe you
you don't care a bit,
you don't care a (you don't care a) bit

(hide and seek)
oh no, you don't care a bit
oh no, you don't care a bit

(hide and seek)
oh no, you don't care a bit
you don't care a bit
you don't care a bit"
-Hide and Seek by Imogen Heap


Do you ever feel like you're being lied to but you have no proof? And there's almost no way to prove it...
It's just this insidious feeling eating through your gut, making you nauseous and squirmy inside.
The nauseous and squirmy feeling might just be me.
It's like my gut warning me to get out. But I can't.
I can't even move.

I've never been good at trusting people with ... anything really.
Well, that's not exactly true. Just not the important things.
That's partly because I've been burned in the past, and partly because telling people the important things requires reliving them. And there are some things I just hate reliving.

Those are the things that just make me break down. Sometimes not immediately. But if I start to talk and actually tell someone I cry. And I hate when people see me cry. I mean, people have seen me. But every time they do, it just feels like failure.

My family sees crying as a weakness. Weaknesses aren't allowed. I think the last time I cried in front of someone in my family was my mom. She got mad at me and told me to stop. I couldn't, which only made me cry harder. She glared at me and left the room. I kept making those pathetic, high-pitched wheezing sounds that people make when they try to stop crying before they're done.

The time before that was my brother. But my brother actually tried to comfort me. I'm pretty sure he offered to kick some one's ass for me. My brother's kinda funny like that. He can be a total narcissistic asshole, but he cares more than he lets on.

I have never seen someone in my family cry. Except for my brother once when he was six and stepped on an entire beehive. Other than that, nothing. They're complete robots. My dad's favorite uncle died. Nothing. My grandpa (mom's side) almost died. Nothing.

I don't know how they do it. If I tried to bottle things up that much, I think I would explode. I don't think I'd be able to sleep at night. I just don't get it. I'm easily the most emotional person in my family. I mean, I'm a fairly emotional but I don't think I'm extreme or anything. But around my family, I feel like it.