GAH!

I am sick to death of people not living up to what they say they'll do or whatever. I'm just so tired of it. I'm sick of this fucking lack of follow through. But what the hell can I do about it. NOTHING!

Because no matter what happens, I just don't make a difference, even when I actually fucking try. Me trying doesn't mean anything. Do I even mean anything? Because seriously... No one fucking listens to me. EVER. People want my advice, they want me to listen and be there for them. BUT WHY?! It's not like they actually give a shit about what I think. So why THE HELL ask me? Why the HELL talk to me about shit when you don't even value my opinion? It's so stupid. People just take what I say and do the OPPOSITE for some reason.

I'm so sick of people. I accidentally glared at random people this morning cuz I was just so pissed off. I mean, I'm still pissed off, but not as bad as this morning.

Whatever. Screw it.

In other news: unpacking is a bitch. lol Like I didn't know that already. New roomie seems cool though. We're a lot different, but we're both pretty chill, so I think we'll be fine, so that's good.

Also, not looking forward to classes tomorrow. Bleh. I'm just noot in the mood. *sigh* whatever.

Let it Go

Run, is that all you can do,
Its all you’ve been doing since you been 2,
You just run,
You run away from change,
Leaving me bleeding but you cant see.

Your so dumb,
With your big dumb face,
And your big dumb ego,
What a disgrace, let it go,
What a disgrace, let it go.

Wait, I aint waiting for shit,
Coz when your waiting on something,
All you can get is a fix,
Yeah you were just my fix,
Punchin’ your card in for all you can get.

Your so dumb,
With your big dumb face,
And your big dumb ego,
What a disgrace, let it go,
What a disgrace, let it go.

What hurts so much,
Is I believed you to be a true friend,
All a long,
But you never cared,
You never cared.

That I had your back,
Through all the confusion,
Through all the abuse and I cared,
No matter what you said,
But now you betrayed me,
Embarrassed and plagued me.

So dumb,
With your big dumb face,
And your big dumb ego,
What a disgrace, let it go,
What a disgrace, let it go.

What hurts so much,
Is I believed you to be a true friend,
All a long,
But you never cared,

What hurts so much,
Is I believed you to be a true friend,
All a long,
But you never cared,
You never cared.

I always used to say,
Keep your friends close,
And your enemies closer,
I always used to say,
Dig a hole for the next man and you’ll fall in,

I always used to say,
Keep your friends close,
And your enemies closer,
I always used to say,
Dig a hole for the next man and you’ll fall in,

I know, you know,
That your ready to fall in,
I know, you know,
That your ready to fall in,
I know, you know,
That your ready to fall in,
I know, you know,
That your ready to fall in,

Too late now,
Afraid now,
Of all the things I could say now,
Its too late to,
complain you,
Don’t deserve a word.

Now… Too late now,
Afraid now,
Of all the things I could say now,
Its too late to,
Complain you,
Don’t deserve a word.

What hurts so much,
Is I believed you to be a true friend,
All a long,
But you never cared,
You never cared.

What hurts so much,
Is I believed you to be a true friend,
All a long,
But you never cared.

Ghost of You

God, I can't seem to get my head straight for the life of me. There's just been too much going on. I mean in the past few weeks I just feel like my life has been uprooted. And its so out of control. And I don't know how to deal.

I still don't know what to do about my brotherl.

I'm trying to help Nicole, which is hard because I still don't trust her completely... but it's coming back. Especially since she told her parents the whole truth and she told the cop the whole truth.

I don't know. She's been getting texts from her ex-boyfriend. Creepy things like 'Damn it's so dark up here. No moon.' and 'It's so easy for me. You're always in one of two places. Western or home. I know where you sleep. I know where your friends live. You can't hide' and 'do you love your mommy and daddy?'... shit like that... it's been making me paranoid, plus he said something about before killing himself, he'd drive up here and take people down with him.

But now he's in jail... at least for the weekend. Picked him up on felony harassment, i think. Maybe domestic violence or something. He pulled a knife on her. And he's been following her and staking out her place. One time he followed her when one of our other friends was with her in the car.

But I don't know, those things don't mess me up. I've never been good at shaking people off. I don't want to shake her off. I don't know... she's kinda my fucking family.

I'm so glad it was dark in the car when we were driving cuz one of the songs hit me and i couldn't stop crying.

Why can't life be simple?

How Far We've Come

I'm just hurting right now. And I'm worried and preoccupied and I just keep trying to avoid my problems like usual, but I can't. It's just in my head and I can't shake it out. I forget for like an hour and then it comes back with a vengeance.

I'm worried because I can't pass my Canadian class. I can't organize my thoughts. They just.. they're everywhere. And I'm so worried about my brother, but he's not listening to me. He refuses to listen. He wants to do acid and shrooms and he just keeps searching for this bigger high everytime and it scares me. I just... I don't know what his limit is. And I don't know what to do about it.

It's just he's been talking to me lately. Like he respects my opinion. Like I kind of always wished he would. Like I'm this cool older sister. I always wanted him to look up to me. Not that I think he looks up to me exactly, but I don't wanna screw up the progress we've made. But if something happens to him, I know that I won't be able to stop blaming myself. I just wish there was someway I could protect him without making him hate me. I don't think I can take him hating me.

And then there's the friend who I never know if she's telling me the truth or bullshitting me. But at least she's getting a restraining order for part of the problem... So maybe that'll help. I don't know!

And there's the other person whos got me so terrified. I just don't want to lose her. But at the same time, it's like everytime she comes back, I just can't escape this feeling that she's gonna leave again. But the thing is I would rather have her around and think that she might ditch me then have her actually do it and lose her completely.

"Hello
Hello
Hello

Waking up at the start of the end of the world,
But it's feeling just like every other morning before,
Now I wonder what my life is going to mean if it's gone,
The cars are moving like a half a mile an hour
And I started staring at the passengers who're waving goodbye
Can you tell me what was ever really special about me all this time?

I believe the world is burning to the ground
Oh well I guess we're gonna find out
Let's see how far we've come
Let's see how far we've come
Well I believe it all is coming to an end
Oh well, I guess, we're gonna pretend,
Let's see how far we've come
Let's see how far we've come

I think it turned ten o'clock but I don't really know
And I can't remember caring for an hour or so
Started crying and I couldn't stop myself
I started running but there's no where to run to
I sat down on the street took a look at myself
Said where you going man you know the world is headed for hell
Say your goodbyes if you've got someone you can say goodbye to

I believe the world is burning to the ground
Oh well I guess we're gonna find out
Let's see how far we've come
Let's see how far we've come

Well I, believe, it all, is coming to an end
Oh well, I guess, we're gonna pretend,
Let's see how far we've come
Let's see how far we've come

It's gone, gone, baby, it's all gone
There is no one on the corner and there's no one at home
It was cool cool, it was just all cool
Now it's over for me and it's over for you
Well it's gone, gone, baby, it's all gone
There is no one on the corner and there's no one at home
Well it was cool cool, it was just all cool
Now it's over for me and it's over for you

I believe the world is burning to the ground
Oh well I guess we're gonna find out
Let's see how far we've come
Let's see how far we've come
Well I, believe, it all, is coming to an end
Oh well, I guess, we're gonna pretend,
Let's see how far we've come
Let's see how far we've come
Let's see how far we've come
Let's see how far we've come
Let's see how far we've come
Let's see how far we've come
Let's see how far we've come
Let's see how far we've come
Let's see how far we've come"