Okay, so I've decide to write a post that isn't just me getting out bad emotions. Because that's not all I am. I have plenty of good emotions. lol Okay, so I'm just gonna write about what I've done this weekend.
It's not a whole lot. Although, on friday, I smoked weed a lil bit with a few friends. It didn't really do a whole lot for me. But it did make me feel more relaxed. Which was nice, cuz usually I don't around people. Some people, yes. But most people, no. Then we just ended up playing cards for hours and passing out at like 12:30. Best sleep ever by the way. Slept for like 12 hours straight. I've never been able to do that. I'm usually a really restless sleeper.
Then on Saturday, I worked on homework for most of the day. Then Sam came over and we watched How I Met Your Mother and studied some more. Then at like 1, we walked downtown to get some pitas.
haha Sort of a bad idea. So many sketchy people. There was this one creeper-looking guy in a sweatshirt with the hood up. ...He looked like a stalker. Then downtown was filled with crazy drunks. Of course. Anyways, so we got a little lost trying to find Pita Pit. But we got there eventually. The lady taking orders was seriously on something or SOMETHING, I don't know. She just sounded nutty and giddy.
So we have our pitas and we're going to head to the bus stop. Two crazy hobos in our way like guarding the sidewalk or something. Not really, but they were making weird movements and noises and we were like OTHER WAY OTHER WAY. hhahaha Then we were passing this large black man and he was like Hey! Aand I sort of thought it was directed at us but I was like (to myself) keep walking, keep walking! Then he's like Hey! YOU TWO! And we just went shhiiit. And walked quicker.
I kind of wonder what he wanted, but by that time we were so freaked out. O_o So we walked back and were just freaking out. Plus neither one of us has a good sense of direction, so that didn't help. And creepy people were like popping out of nowhere.
So yeah, we decided we're never doing that again. Seriously. Well... unless we got a huge ass guy with us. Like Joe. Joe could beat some heads together if he needed to.
Aand today, I watched some more HIMYM. And now I should go study. I got a midterm on wednesday and I sort of need to pass.
Post Over.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Hide and Seek
"where are we?
what the hell is going on?
the dust has only just begun to form
crop circles in the carpet
sinking feeling
spin me round again
and rub my eyes,
this can't be happening
when busy streets amass with people
would stop to hold their heads heavy
hide and seek
trains and sewing machines
all those years
they were here first
oily marks appear on walls
where pleasure moments hung before the takeover,
the sweeping insensitivity of this still life
hide and seek
trains and sewing machines (oh, you won't catch me around here)
blood and tears (hearts)
they were here first
Mmmm whatcha say,
Mmm that you only meant well?
well of course you did
Mmmm whatcha say,
Mmmm that it's all for the best?
Of course it is
Mmmm whatcha say?
Mmmm that it's just what we need
you decided this
whatcha say?
Mmmm what did she say?
ransom notes keep falling out your mouth
mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut outs
speak no feeling no I don't believe you
you don't care a bit,
you don't care a bit
(hide and seek)
ransom notes keep falling out your mouth
mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut outs
(hide and seek)
speak no feeling no I don't believe you
you don't care a bit,
you don't care a (you don't care a) bit
(hide and seek)
oh no, you don't care a bit
oh no, you don't care a bit
(hide and seek)
oh no, you don't care a bit
you don't care a bit
you don't care a bit"
-Hide and Seek by Imogen Heap
Do you ever feel like you're being lied to but you have no proof? And there's almost no way to prove it...
It's just this insidious feeling eating through your gut, making you nauseous and squirmy inside.
The nauseous and squirmy feeling might just be me.
It's like my gut warning me to get out. But I can't.
I can't even move.
I've never been good at trusting people with ... anything really.
Well, that's not exactly true. Just not the important things.
That's partly because I've been burned in the past, and partly because telling people the important things requires reliving them. And there are some things I just hate reliving.
Those are the things that just make me break down. Sometimes not immediately. But if I start to talk and actually tell someone I cry. And I hate when people see me cry. I mean, people have seen me. But every time they do, it just feels like failure.
My family sees crying as a weakness. Weaknesses aren't allowed. I think the last time I cried in front of someone in my family was my mom. She got mad at me and told me to stop. I couldn't, which only made me cry harder. She glared at me and left the room. I kept making those pathetic, high-pitched wheezing sounds that people make when they try to stop crying before they're done.
The time before that was my brother. But my brother actually tried to comfort me. I'm pretty sure he offered to kick some one's ass for me. My brother's kinda funny like that. He can be a total narcissistic asshole, but he cares more than he lets on.
I have never seen someone in my family cry. Except for my brother once when he was six and stepped on an entire beehive. Other than that, nothing. They're complete robots. My dad's favorite uncle died. Nothing. My grandpa (mom's side) almost died. Nothing.
I don't know how they do it. If I tried to bottle things up that much, I think I would explode. I don't think I'd be able to sleep at night. I just don't get it. I'm easily the most emotional person in my family. I mean, I'm a fairly emotional but I don't think I'm extreme or anything. But around my family, I feel like it.
what the hell is going on?
the dust has only just begun to form
crop circles in the carpet
sinking feeling
spin me round again
and rub my eyes,
this can't be happening
when busy streets amass with people
would stop to hold their heads heavy
hide and seek
trains and sewing machines
all those years
they were here first
oily marks appear on walls
where pleasure moments hung before the takeover,
the sweeping insensitivity of this still life
hide and seek
trains and sewing machines (oh, you won't catch me around here)
blood and tears (hearts)
they were here first
Mmmm whatcha say,
Mmm that you only meant well?
well of course you did
Mmmm whatcha say,
Mmmm that it's all for the best?
Of course it is
Mmmm whatcha say?
Mmmm that it's just what we need
you decided this
whatcha say?
Mmmm what did she say?
ransom notes keep falling out your mouth
mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut outs
speak no feeling no I don't believe you
you don't care a bit,
you don't care a bit
(hide and seek)
ransom notes keep falling out your mouth
mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut outs
(hide and seek)
speak no feeling no I don't believe you
you don't care a bit,
you don't care a (you don't care a) bit
(hide and seek)
oh no, you don't care a bit
oh no, you don't care a bit
(hide and seek)
oh no, you don't care a bit
you don't care a bit
you don't care a bit"
-Hide and Seek by Imogen Heap
Do you ever feel like you're being lied to but you have no proof? And there's almost no way to prove it...
It's just this insidious feeling eating through your gut, making you nauseous and squirmy inside.
The nauseous and squirmy feeling might just be me.
It's like my gut warning me to get out. But I can't.
I can't even move.
I've never been good at trusting people with ... anything really.
Well, that's not exactly true. Just not the important things.
That's partly because I've been burned in the past, and partly because telling people the important things requires reliving them. And there are some things I just hate reliving.
Those are the things that just make me break down. Sometimes not immediately. But if I start to talk and actually tell someone I cry. And I hate when people see me cry. I mean, people have seen me. But every time they do, it just feels like failure.
My family sees crying as a weakness. Weaknesses aren't allowed. I think the last time I cried in front of someone in my family was my mom. She got mad at me and told me to stop. I couldn't, which only made me cry harder. She glared at me and left the room. I kept making those pathetic, high-pitched wheezing sounds that people make when they try to stop crying before they're done.
The time before that was my brother. But my brother actually tried to comfort me. I'm pretty sure he offered to kick some one's ass for me. My brother's kinda funny like that. He can be a total narcissistic asshole, but he cares more than he lets on.
I have never seen someone in my family cry. Except for my brother once when he was six and stepped on an entire beehive. Other than that, nothing. They're complete robots. My dad's favorite uncle died. Nothing. My grandpa (mom's side) almost died. Nothing.
I don't know how they do it. If I tried to bottle things up that much, I think I would explode. I don't think I'd be able to sleep at night. I just don't get it. I'm easily the most emotional person in my family. I mean, I'm a fairly emotional but I don't think I'm extreme or anything. But around my family, I feel like it.
Monday, February 2, 2009
Are You Happy Now?
Do you ever feel like whatever decision you make, everything just tends to suck anyway?
Yeah, me too.
I can't seem to escape the feeling that what I want doesn't matter. What I need is irrelevant. Who I want to be doesn't mean shit.
No matter what I do, I keep hitting the same, old walls. From my own personal issues, to other people's issues, to what seems to be God's issues with me.
I don't know. I keep trying to change my bad habits. But I don't know if I can. I'm starting to doubt it.
I want to be outgoing. I want to be that person that makes people happy right when they see me. I want to make them laugh. I want to not be a complete retard. I want to be able to pass my classes, which isn't going as well as I'd like, although I'm not outright failing. I want to be somebody. I just want to matter.
Not that I think I don't matter. I do, I guess. I just wish I could make some profoundly awesome difference in someone's life.
Anyway, my life is so full of wants at the moment. And I just kind of wish that I would be content to be.
Yeah, me too.
I can't seem to escape the feeling that what I want doesn't matter. What I need is irrelevant. Who I want to be doesn't mean shit.
No matter what I do, I keep hitting the same, old walls. From my own personal issues, to other people's issues, to what seems to be God's issues with me.
I don't know. I keep trying to change my bad habits. But I don't know if I can. I'm starting to doubt it.
I want to be outgoing. I want to be that person that makes people happy right when they see me. I want to make them laugh. I want to not be a complete retard. I want to be able to pass my classes, which isn't going as well as I'd like, although I'm not outright failing. I want to be somebody. I just want to matter.
Not that I think I don't matter. I do, I guess. I just wish I could make some profoundly awesome difference in someone's life.
Anyway, my life is so full of wants at the moment. And I just kind of wish that I would be content to be.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
